Schizophrenia Rock Bottom
by Robert G Brown
What is schizophrenia? For me, it is a world that only I, as far as I can tell, get to experience. Sight and sound beyond the reach of the “so-called normal” human being. Voices that only I hear, and a world that only I see…how confusing for me that wants to understand what I am going through, and there is no one to talk about it with, because only I get to experience it? Who is there to turn to? Where can I go for answers, when the experience is super-personal and without reciprocation?
When you realize you are the reincarnate of Lucifer the Son of the Morning one day, and nobody believes you, and looks at you like you belong in a looney bin, what can you hope to gain by telling anyone? When you hear that Gaia, our Planet Earth is a spaceship that is to be collectively lifted to the 7th dimension by the mind power of every human being on the planet, where is the professor you need to talk to that doesn’t think you are an insane lunatic?
How about the time when I was bored and drunk, and screwing around with Christians on an Internet chat room 17 years ago, and I decided to type Jesus Black Nigger repeatedly to see what the response would be, and soon after felt like I was being punished by hearing things like a broken record to “suck a dick” or “be a gay homosexual?” Why would I punish myself like this over such a simple statement looking for retort where none came? Who can handle who pretends to be God on this planet?
How about when I failed in an effort to walk blindly in faith with God to amend my wrongs, to hear the chant of “asshole” by the voices of thousands whom I thought I sent to hell unconsciously by not doing what I thought God was asking me to do? What a nightmare to think that God would ever allow me to send anyone to hell against my own volition. God doesn’t punish, so who is in charge here, that thinks we all need to be punished?
These are just a few of my battles with schizophrenia, while hearing illusions of my mind punish me for things I thought I had done wrong to hurt God and His Kingdom. As an illness, schizophrenia has taught me loneliness that goes beyond hatred into deep despair and hopelessness, coupled by feelings of guilt and regret that I wouldn’t wish on anyone.
Is there hope for a person stricken by such a defeated frame of mind, while plagued with the symptoms of schizophrenia?
Realizing that God created us all as Heaven and only wants us to be happy, there is light at the end of the tunnel, but we have to analyze and cut through the illusions to the Truth, so we can understand that God loves us all unconditionally. The Truth goes beyond decision and illusion…all we need do is accept it and recognize it as the happiness of Heaven. A place of love that exists right in front of our eyes if we are open enough and understanding enough to accept it.
For anyone that battles schizophrenia, I hope this short article helped bring you hope that there is a vision of love for us all, once we are willing to embrace it. If you suffer from schizophrenia and need to chat, please feel free to e-mail me at: firstname.lastname@example.org